What's Going On?
by Brocky
Summary: Ah, daily life in the temple, its only a matter of time before someone causes a commotion. There's just too many possibilites to not have a humorous situation.


DISCLAIMER: I do not own Ah! My Goddess, its characters, or any properties that may be parodied in any manner in this work.

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Skuld, sitting at the living room table, flipped through the magazine, staring absentmindedly through the pages. She always nabbed the copy of _Motorcycles Monthly_ when it arrived at the temple, often before Keiichi could do so much as glance at the subheading, much to his displeasure. The Earth machines didn't particularly interest her, she just loved to scan through them and point out the flaws. The opening of the door caused her to glance up. Noticing Keiichi, and not one of her sisters, she returned to looking at the magazine.

"Skuld, I picked up some things for you when I was out." He threw over his shoulder as he walked past her into the kitchen.

"Okay," she replied, not looking up.

"Oh," he started, pausing in the doorway, "Belldandy wanted me to tell you that she thinks you're going through the ice cream I get for you too fast, and that you should eat it more slowly." He said, trying to sound authorative.

"Did she really say that, or are you making it up?" she questioned, already knowing the answer.

Keiichi sighed, "Yeah, I came up with it. But, I really think you go through it too quick, you usually run and gobble it up as soon as I bring it home. Could you please try to make it last a little longer, so I don't have to run out and get more?" he asked tentatively.

"I'll think about it." she said. Then watched out of the corner of her eye as Keiichi walked into the kitchen, and emerged a second later, now devoid of the bags he had been carrying. She waited till he walked down the hall, and then waited for the sound of Keiichi's door to close. Once it did she promptly shot up and ran into the kitchen, intent on retrieving sustenance. Running to the refrigerator/freezer, she flung open the door like a deprived caffeine addict, but stopped short at the sight that greeted her. The ice cream, Neapolitan, was there as promised, but the item next to it is what caught her attention. It was red and heart shaped, obviously a gift. Its box had a red ribbon running a diagonal from one corner to the opposite one, ending in a bow on top. Its contents, the writing on the box said, were chocolate, their exact kind undeterminable.

"Does he….Does he plan to give this...to Onee… Does he plan to give this to Onee-Sama?" She stuttered out.

Such an act was uncharacteristic of the usually reserved Keiichi, and it seemed quite random for him to buy a gift, out of the blue. Then a thought struck her: Valentine's Day had occurred the month earlier, and of course Belldandy had spoiled everyone in the temple with gigantic proportions of sweets. They had sat around feasting, with Skuld sitting between Belldandy and Keiichi, for her sister's protection, of course. The normally intrusive Urd was too far gone in one of her sake binges, and was incapable of interfering. Now with White Day, the opposing day for males in Japan to give gifts, rapidly approaching, Keiichi was obviously feeling confident enough to return some of the affection given by her sister. Naturally she had to stop it.

"How do I get rid of this thing?" Skuld thought to herself, "I know I'll separate it into pieces then scatter them about so he can't figure out what happened!" she answered, obviously pleased with her own idea. She ripped open the package and dumped the chocolates out, throwing everything onto the table, and began separating them into piles. She took a handful and quickly looked around, and after a moments reasoning, tossed them out the open window that led to the side of the temple. The next scoop went into the sink, then into the garbage disposal, custom built by Skuld herself, with the ability to chip apart the fragments of bone after a meal. The final handful went into the garbage near the door.

"Mission Completed." Skuld said to herself. True, she felt slightly guilty for doing this to Keiichi, but she had to take advantage of the chance to make him look bad to her sister. Maybe she could finally make some progress in her quest to get her sister to leave. Still, she felt guilty, and decided that her earlier goal of the Neapolitan would bet an adequate suppressor to her misgivings. Stopping along the way to pick up her custom made scooper, crafted from aircraft gauge aluminum and with an optional pneumatic trigger to dig out the cream when it was especially thick. She took that with her to the freezer and claimed her prize. She promptly opened the carton and began digging to the frozen goodness. She took a couple of quick bites, hardly bothering to chew, and then turned to go back to the living room, then to her lab to get some work done. She went about two steps before Keiichi came back through the kitchen door way.

"Hey Skuld, I was wondering if…" Keiichi began before fully taking in the scene. Skuld just looked at him like a cow looks at an oncoming train, not sure how to react. She watched as his eyes went from the spoon in her mouth to the tub in her hand, and then they strayed to the table. Skuld's eyes followed his gaze, and to her horror, saw the packaging of the chocolates still lying on the table, as she hadn't thought to discard it. She moved only to chew the remaining ice cream, slowly and deliberately, as she returned her gaze to Keiichi, who had begun looking at her once again. The silence drug on between them, till it was broken when Skuld swallowed, the sound very audible in the awkward environment.

"Is that the ice cream I just bought?"

"Eh..." She answered dumbly

"Is that the package I just bought?"

"Err…."she continued to ramble

"Did you just ruin..."

"NO!" Skuld interrupted quickly, thankful for the lack of restrictions on her second-class license, and also hoping for a way out.

"LIAR!!!" Keiichi bellowed, to which Skuld flinched, Keiichi, not caring, continued: "You got up as soon as I walked away, got your ice cream, saw my gift for your sister, and then you destroyed it!" he ranted.

"But I just…" She started

"Why is it every time I do something you try to meddle in it? I try to be nice to everyone here, and all you send back my way is crap!" Skuld noticed the color rising on Keiichi's face, something that had only previously happened when he was embarrassed. He seemed to pay no mind, and carried on. "I put up with you and Urd, and despite my attempts to stay clear of you, you two ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO RUIN EVERYTHING!" The veins on his neck had begun to bulge out. "I pay for this temple, and for the food you gobble up! You have no respect for me! Not five minutes ago I asked you to wait on that ice cream, and what did you do? Come in here four minutes ago and start on it! And for some reason you can't stand the thought of me and your sister! Even this morning, when Belldandy was getting into the carrier of the bike, I was handing her the helmet, and you interfered then!" He yelled, now animatedly waving his arms in a frantic fashion.

"It wasn't that bad, I merely..." She started, but was cut off once again.

"YOU TACKLED ME! You didn't merely separate us; you did a full out Lawrence-Taylor-coming off-a-blitz-body tackle on me! And then you pinned me down so your little wind up toy Banpei could barrage me with rockets!" He finished, spittle now flying from the corners of his mouth, making him resemble a rabid dingo.

Skuld attempted to protest. "But you were looking at her with those dirty eyes!" she wailed. She had never seen Keiichi this angry before, and would have doubted his ability to reach the level of rage. Now she trembled in fear of the supposedly foolish mortal. His eyes sharp as lightning. If she didn't know better, she would think he was about to transform into a Super Saiyan, were it possible.

"DIRTY EYES!? That makes no sense! How am I supposed to not look at her!? You're just finding every little excuse to DRIVE A PETTY LITTLE WEDGE BETWEEN US! Well no more!"

Skuld sat there, quite perplexed, completely unprepared for what happened next.

"SKULD!!! I, KEIICHI MORISATO, SON OF KEIMA, VOW ON THIS DAY AND THIS SPOT TO…" His paused, seemingly at loss for words, "I vow to, to…" after a moment's thinking, which took incredible focus giving his enraged state, he then simply gave up, and after a dramatic pause finished with: "TO GET YOU!" He announced, pointing his finger at her, like a shortened Grim Reaper with bushy eyebrows.

Rooted at the spot, the object of the seemingly ominous pointing, Skuld didn't know what to do. Her first action, in retrospect, wasn't that wise.

"…eep." She squeaked out.

Not wise for this seemed to set Keiichi off, and he lunged in the direction of Skuld, arms out stretched and with an animalistic growl akin to a crazed griffon. Skuld, moving on pure survival instincts, ducked underneath one of his arms and ran into the living room, heading for outside.

Keiichi paused for a moment, the red wrapping of the gift for his beloved was still lying on the table, and it caught his eyes. The moment was short, and he seemed to become even more infuriated by this sight. Grasping the shoulders of his shirt, Keiichi tore the article of clothing from his body, its shreds falling through the air like the slow motion scene of an action movie.

"KEIICHI MAD!" He roared, before giving pursuit to Skuld, following her path to the living room.

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By this time Skuld had reached the front yard of the temple, desperately looking for her sister, seeking protection from Keiichi's wrath. Realizing Onee-sama was in fact behind the temple, hanging the laundry. She sprinted along the side of the temple, thankful to see Banpei on patrol.

"Banpei! DEFENSE MODE ALPHA! LEVEL FIVE WEAPONS!" she shouted.

Banpei had not lifted his head in time to see his mistress turn the corner.

Running into the back yard, Skuld saw her sister hanging the laundry, and bolted for Belldandy's location, seeking a safe haven.

"SIS! ONEE-SAMA! NORN THAT COMES BEFORE ME!" Skuld yelled out, finally catching Belldandy's attention, she didn't pause though, and continued "Keiichi's gone crazy and is chasing after me, he wants to hurt me!"

Belldandy, having just hanging some of the resident's shirts, responded in calm voice, and was perplexed by the words she was hearing. "Skuld, slow down, you're not making any sense, Keiichi-san would never want to hurt you." She explained.

"NO! YOU'RE WRONG! He's mad because of all the crap I give him and everything! And he had this gift for you that I ripped up and…"

"Keiichi got a gift for me!?" Belldandy said as she nearly cracked her voice, as it had gone up several octaves with that remark. "What was it?"

"Some stupid chocolates, it doesn't matter because I got rid of them and tore it up!" Skuld started to panic furthermore, hearing the sounds of intense combat coming from the side of the temple. It sounded similar to Godzilla's battle with his robotic twin, meaning Keiichi had neither slowed nor calmed down. She was about to explain some more but stopped at Belldandy's expression.

"Skuld, you ripped it up? Why? Why a gift from Keiichi-san?" Belldandy asked in horror. She seized Skuld by the shoulders, and stooped down to her level. Not giving Skuld a chance to answer she went on. "You did it for a trivial reason is why you did it!" She shrieked, raising her tone. Once again, Skuld was taken back by its pitch. Regardless, Belldandy continued. "You always find some way to suspect the slightest action by Keiichi-san and then you take action that always has a domino effect, and one of us either hurt, or turned into a girl, or hit by one of your bombs, and I am sick of! I'm not speaking to you till you apologize to him, for everything!" She announced in a loud proclamation.

"You're taking HIS SIDE?!" Skuld yelled, completely flabbergasted by this turn of events. She didn't have long to contemplate the incredulous of it, as Keiichi emerged from around the corner, covered in soot, but nonetheless fierce looking, obviously still wrought with rage, and once more he raised a finger in Skuld's direction , muttering a single word.

"You!"

Skuld screamed as he once again began to give chase, chasing her as she began to run. Not choosing any path, but still convinced her sister could save her, they thus began running in a circle around Belldandy, as Skuld screamed for her sister's help.

"I'm not listening." Belldandy said quietly to herself, completely ignoring her sister. After a moment she did look up, and made a simple comment on her observation.

"Keiichi, you should really put a shirt on, it's quite cold out here."

Keiichi, realizing he must resemble Blanka, minus the green skin and orange hair, paused. Responding to the request with a simple grunt, he promptly went to wrestle one of his shirts from the line, having difficulty understanding the complex mechanical workings of the clothesline pins. While he struggled, Skuld ran back to the side of the house, intent on seeing the damage to Banpei.

The sight of a completely functioning Banpei, with the surrounding area covered in soot, surprised her.

"Banpei, why didn't you stop Keiichi?" In response, Banpei pulled out an Etch-a-Sketch that had been presented to him for just this purpose.

'I'm sorry Skuld, I can't do that.' The writing said.

"WHY!?"

'Because Skuld-chan, he scares me a lot more than you.' Banpei's message read, using one of the suffixes he had heard Urd use to describe the young woman.

"Why would you be scared?" She, screamed, "And why are you calling me Skuld-chan?! I'm not a little girl!" she watched the robot, and after a moment's thought, watched him write.

'Is Skuld-baka better?' the machine had written, using another suffix he had heard.

"No it's not better you…" Skuld was cut off by a high pitch, which could only be described as a howl of triumph. Evidently, Keiichi had finally gotten his shirt on, and was now ready to resume the hunt. Skuld, now desperate, and thus willing to succeed to a desperate measure, ran into the house looking for Urd, willing to ask for her help. She sprinted down the hall, and began frantically pounding on the door, yelling for the assistance of the Norn of the Past, as the door, she found out, was locked from the inside.

"Urd, you have to help me!" she yelled.

"No thank you, sleeping." Was the response. Urd was obviously quite hung over.

"What!? NO! I need your help!"

"Come back in an hour."

"Urd, wake up!"

"No towels. Need sleepy"

"What towels, Urd, Keiichi is possessed!"

"Please go away and let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"

A loud slam was heard from the living room, shaking the house. Keiichi, announce his presence with the most appropriate phrase he could think of.

"HERE'S KEIICHI!"

Skuld now was beyond panic. "Urd, I need your help or else …"

"YOU!!!" Keiichi yelled as his hunkering form filled the end of the hallway, bearing down on his "victim"

Skuld screamed, and pulled out one of her patented Skuld-bombs, and threw it at him. The blast rocked the house, but didn't faze Keiichi, who had started laughing in a manic manner as he continued to advance. Skuld pulled out another bomb and flung it at him, getting the same result. Hoping for some change she reached for another bomb and discovered, to her incredible dismay, that there were none left.

"Did you use all of those up to?" Keiichi asked, now having closed the gap between them to a few feet.

"Keiichi, you're acting crazy!" Skuld yelled, whilst she attempted to back up, only to feel her back hit the wall, effectively trapping her down the narrow hallway.

"No, I'm thinking clear!" he bellowed in response. "I'm doing something I should have done long ago, and now I'm going to put you in your place!" He continued to cackle at her, as he finally had cornered her, a mere foot separating them.

"No, no, no!" Skuld repeated. But there was no escape now, she was trapped. Her attempts to gather assistance to stop the menace had been fruitless, now there was only her and her destiny. She watched in horror as Keiichi continued to cackle evilly, now moving in on her, his suddenly monstrous looking hands stretched out, and ready to extract their revenge. Skuld shut her eyes tightly, and began praying quietly, either for some miracle, or for a quick end.

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"GHAH!!!!" Skuld yelled with a start. Then she looked around to observe her surroundings. She was in the living room again, the magazine with the inept earth machines. It was if she had been asleep, leading her to wonder if it was a dream. While it appeared as if nothing had happened, she had to make sure. She shot up and ran to the kitchen. There was no wrapping of any sort lying on the table, and while she was disheartened to at the lack of ice cream in the freezer, the lack of any gift of any kind was of greatest relief. She was still strung up though, so much so that she practically jumped through the roof when someone spoke to her.

"Hey" Urd quietly said. Upon seeing Skuld leaping in the air as if she had been stung, she asked "What has gotten into you?"

"Err, nothing, I just had a nightm-no I had a dream, that's all." Skuld said, trying to cover her fear. "On a completely unrelated note, have you seen Keiichi?" she asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

"I last saw him in the garage, working on his bike I think, why?" replied Urd.

"No reason." Skuld piped, then bolted out the door. After she left, Urd smiled to herself and walked to her room.

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Skuld looked around the corner for Keiichi, as if she was filming a documentary, and noticed him, in the garage, working on his bike. Skuld initially was hesitant to draw attention to herself, but when she knocked over a pile of spare parts her presence was practically announced. Dark Chest Of Wonders by Nightwish

"Oh, hello Skuld" Keiichi said in an unassuming manner, as he began wiping a chain clean of grease.

"Hey Keiichi, can I ask you something?" Skuld questioned tentatively.

"Sure."

"Did you get Onee-Sama something for White Day yet?

"No, not yet, why?"

"No reason, Hey Keiichi, listen…" Skuld took a breath.

"Yes?" He asked

"I just want to say thatI'mreallysorryabouteverythingIdidtoyouandIdon'treallyobjectoyoubeingaroundOnee-samaandihopeyouwon'tholdagrudgeagainstmecauseofit." She spilled out in one breath.

"You're sorry?" he asked, quite perplexed about every bit of information that had been presented in the rushed manner.

"Yes, I'm sorry." She repeated.

"For what?" he was still confused.

"For everything, for trying to split up you and Onee-sama, and for turning you into a girl, and for being such a brat, I'm sorry for everything!" She finished in a flurry.

"Skuld you don't have to..." was all Keiichi got out, as he had begun to rise to make his way to Skuld.

"PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"

"Skuld what are you talk…"

"Stay away!" She yelled as she then ran from the garage.

Keiichi stood on the spot, utterly baffled. He stood there; quite incapable of understanding what had occurred to bring on such an act by Skuld. He said the only logically thing that came to mind.

"What the hell is going on here?"

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Later that day, Urd was sitting in her lab, holding a vial with a deep blue liquid, and she began to quietly muse to herself.

"So it appears that the nightmare object potion, designed to make someone afraid of something in particular worked." With the few strands of Keiichi's hair she had collected, she had agonized over the long brewing process. "But now it seems that dear Skuld won't be putting her nose where it doesn't belong any more. Still, I wonder if I should feel guilty for manipulating her like this." She reflected on this for a moment.

"Nah" she answered, and besides, she had more important things to worry about.

"Now to make a potion so Keiichi isn't so afraid of Belldandy!"

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Summary: Well, this the completed first chapter of my very first bit of fanfiction. I've chosen Ah! My Goddess cause I found the characters particularly quirky, thus I saw it fit to make this work. I know it is extremely unlike Keiichi to act in this way, but I felt if I could give an explanation to it, it could prove to a funny situation. I will make each chapter of this work completely free standing. The parodies in this chapter both blunt and subtle are some of my favorite subjects. You can expect more of these from me in the future. Thank you for taking the time to read my work.--Brocky


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